TEAM: Kris ‘Never Going to Knokke’ Mercelis;

Jean ‘Why head it when you can bicicletta’ Minne, Nils ‘Literally survived the Hunger Race’ McGrath, Sylvain ‘this isn’t the bench’ Lachia.

James ‘gotta impress my girlfriend and parents’ Philpot, Steve ‘preseason starts now’ Lamarra, Rich ‘we don’t have this sun in Wales’ McGeechan, Luka ‘gotta impress Philpot’s girlfriend’ Novak, Kevin ‘Can’t even see him the other side of the pitch is so far away’ De Roeck.

Andrew ‘Thank god Dries is gone’ Hodgson, Thomas ‘thank god Dries is gone’ Kellerman.

SUBS: Spencer ‘get me out of here’ Springob, Gavin ‘Zlatan taught me this’ O’Connor, Joaquin ‘crocked’ Gimeno.

The new season for RBB kicked off with a bit of a drab affair against a familiar foe – British United (who I assume just named themselves ‘British’ to create some type of weak association with RBB and bask in some reflected glory. The weak September sun proved a decisive factor in RBB’s failure to cope with the Qatar like heat during a slow first half, before missed chances and the ref blowing 5 minutes early (according to Lamarra) meant RBB had to settle for the draw.

Before we could even consider the matters on the pitch, there was the small matter of organising fan transport to the ground, akin to organising an expedition across the Himalaya’s. After days of Philpot searching the google maps train timetable, Kellerman stepped in and offered lifts to all the fans, saving the day and at the same time providing the positive step in Anglo-Germanic relations for 60 years.

Regarding the match, it was a classic tale, as old of football itself. The young upstart against the veteran master. History, passion, commitment, trophies, a website…everything RBB has, BUnited want to emulate. We knew that they would be looking to make a statement of intent – first game of the season, against the reigning champions who had never lost to them. Rich reminded us of this during what I was reliably informed was a very good dressing room, and urged us to show them why we were champions.

Providing inspiration were the record crowds in attendance.

The first half began slow, and ended slower. BUnited were running a lot, and shouting a lot, but not really doing anything. Their defence was happy to sit deep and try and absorb pressure, whilst allowing the midfielders to run around and try and counter. RBB weren’t quite at the races yet, mentally or physically, with everything happening at a rather sedate pace, as shown by this pacy counter from Philpot.

RBB produced a few moments of individual quality, but these tended to be followed by a bad decision or pass, meaning that opportunities were slim. One area that looked profitable were the set pieces, with McGeehan and McGrath combining on several occasions. At the other end, the only problems were from a few counters that allowed Lachia and McGrath to display their lack of pace, but were all successfully defended. Minne was rock-like, producing crunching tackles that led to the opposition winger complaining ‘those tackles wouldn’t be allowed at a higher level’. As if he knows what a higher level is like, he was terrible. The crowd resorted to entertaining themselves.

At half time, once again I was told Captain McGeehan delivered a positive message, urging us to be that little bit quicker, have a little more confidence and that know we’d figured out that the defence was sitting deep, we could play more football with the time that gave us. Clearly, the midfield was feeling a little too confident, as almost immediately BUnited had a golden chance, with a cut back to the edge of the box finding two BUnited players with enough time to drink a cup of tea before playing it around and then blasting it over the bar.

The warning wasn’t heeded, as no more than 2 minutes later an almost identical situation occurred, but this time there was no mistake as the ball was tucked passed Mercelis for a shock 1-0 lead to the diffidents. Still, with plenty of time left RBB didn’t panic, and in fact looked more relaxed while in possession. With the sun beating down, the BUnited defence were clearly dead on their feet, and Kellerman came close to scoring with a few good chances.

Eventually, RBB got their deserved goal after Novak found himself alone on the edge of the box after lofted ball through and volleyed home the equaliser. There was still plenty of time to score an winner, either through fair means (Kellerman planting a header inches wide after a peach of a cross from yours truly) or foul (Lamarra throwing himself to the ground and claiming a penalty even though he was over by the corner flag). Special mention for Minne, who despite having a head like a traction engine decided to attempt a bicicletta from 6 yards out. It’s traditions and football culture like this that separates men from beasts, or in this case RBB from BUnited.

Even super subs in the form of Springob, O’Connor and debutant Gimeno couldn’t unlock the BUnited defence, although, had the ref played the full 70 perhaps, another opportunity would have presented itself. Ultimately, RBB had to settle for a 1-1 draw and will need to return to the training ground in search of a bit more fitness and a bit more sharpness.

MOM and Reporter: James Philpot