Team: [in 3-5-2 formation] 'The Viking' Sejersen; 'Bite yer Legs' Eriksen, 'Where for art thou Libero' Wrigley, 'Twin Towers' MacDonald; 'Road Runner' Bentham, 'Tiger'Ledbury, 'Action Man' Lewis, 'Atilla'Glover, 'Slow Ball' Taylor; 'Ninja' Shiono, 'Kaiser'Harbusch subs: 'Bus Stop' Sigurdsson; 'Deaf' Cunningham.

Goalscorers: Shiono [2]; Taylor; Wrigley; Lewis; Glover; Ledbury; Harbusch

Yellow Card: Ledbury

So continuing on our journey through Middle Earth, having being bloodied by the Ecusson Orcs, we travelled beyond Stockel to a small place occupied by the Saints of George ....but luckily no dragons ! 15 minutes before battle we had assembled our noble band of eight warriors and wondered if we had been abandoned to fight against all the odds.

But the ring came to our protection ! Ring, ring, ring - "hi it's 'bus stop' here, I arrived at the ground early and just waiting for the rest of you to turn up".Now I ask you - 15 minutes before the match and you are waiting for the rest of your team PLUS the home team to turn up and you believe that they must ALL be lost ???? Yeah do you spot anything suspicious .... "which ground have you arrived at ?" ..."I got off bus 28 and saw the pitch, so walked over to it" ...."what's the pitch called ?" ...."Stade Fallon ...looks a good pitch" ..."but we're playing at Stockel" ...."but 'slow ball' is here with me, he's played here before" ...."played who there ?".... "he can't remember" ...Enough I say - be on your way until you see the Saints of Georges sign where we await Saint Pierre l'Arbitre to commence battle with Merlin and his wise old men. There must be magic afoot because this team look older than Merlin but not as well preserved.

As battle lines were drawn we were joined by Kaiserand Action Man, the duracell warrior,who forgot the time but remembered our magic cloaks that make us invisible to mere mortals when we wear them. Quickly donning our magic cloaks we lined up with the special one 'The Viking' guarding our goal. In a flowing 3-5-2 we set about the Saints with gusto, guile and generosity. Although our adventures against the downtrodden bottom four left us with only 1 point so far we played with confidence and appeared to be in control from the start. With a perfect battle ground we moved the Saints from left to right, inside and outside, up and down until they were there for the kill. A flowing move down the left, a cross from 'slow ball' a cushioned header from Tigerand Ninjanipped in [oh I don't believe I said that !] to side foot home for goal numero uno.

More clever play was followed by the PASS of the season, 'bite yer legs'was showing incredible grace and poise but surpassed himself when midway in his own half he played a Gunther Netzer type pass [outside of right foot, with a left to right fade, bit of backspin] all of 60 metres to road runner to set up another attack. The game....oh you want to know what happened when road runner got the ball ...he ran off the end of the pitch. The game was still there to be won and in their only serious attempt on goal the Vikingbrought off a great reaction save from action manwho flicked on a corner into the top left hand corner. The Saints having seen our weakness kept giving the ball to us hoping that someone would score for them but we figured out this plan and soon had them pinned back in their box. A couple of good shots - from libero ..soon to be called where for art thou libero...and Atilla seemed to suggest a 2nd goal had to be on its way and surely it came to pass ....or shot.

After another stunning passing movement the ball broke to Neilo [didn't have a nickname by this time] who wound up the famous left leg and let ......well I'm not sure what you'd call it ? While all around waited for the Taylor pile driver Neilo threw down a slower ballthat completely foxed le guardien. I think I noticed a bit of swing on this slower ball [aka Pakistan win by 1 innings and lots of runs !] which wasn't cricket ...le guardien seemed to go for the piledriver that didn't happen and knee the ball into his own goal. 2-0 and pretty easy until half time. Just enough time to see the genuine piledriver when slow balllet rip from the edge of the box crashing the ball against the underside of the bar and over / on the line but play was waved on.

Now the half time debate was a joy to behold. Never in all my years have I heard so much bollocks talked by so few for so long. Whether it was the delirium of being 2-0 up but half the team decided to tell the other half how badly they were playing. Can't pass, can't shoot ...nobody is passing to me .... can't keep the ball, can't head the ball ...nobody is passing to me ....can't run, can't tackle ...nobody is passing to me ...Kaiser alright no one is passing to you - what's your point !!!! It was all we could do to replace slow ballwith bus stop but we were to regret the half time confusion !!!

As we came out with the 2nd half tactics ringing in our ears keep the high balls low, spread out in a bunch, 'bus stop' you surround them we had obviously forgotten some basic messages. Where for art thou liberoforgot that we changed at half time so played the 2nd half as the libero for Saint Georges [i.e. just behind THEIR back 4]. Tigerwho won a competition with a 69 last month [or so he claims - nudge nudge wink wink !!!] decided that he was a cross between Best, Maradona & Pele ... & I don't mean an alchoholic junky with erectile dysfunction.So we basically threw caution to the wind - although I would have preferred caution to play as sweeper myself - and attacked from all angles. Bus stopwas running amok and Ninja kept sneaking up behind the Saints and taking the ball off them. Road runner- who had the flu ...ahhh - could only run forward [why does the flu stop you running backwards ?] so we switched to our 2-3-1-4 formation.

No more space to describe the action other than the goals. Where for art thou libero popped up outside the Saints box - this was a surprise as he spent most of the half in their box - to fire home a daisy cutter [a bit faster than slow ball'seffort]. Action manon his mixture of duracell batteries and irn bru ran around the entire Saints team playing a final 1-2 with Kaiserbefore side-footing home. Ninjasneaked up on the back post to head his 2nd goal of the day after road runnerhad crossed from the right. Bus stopwas savagely tripped in the box and .....yeah you got to hand it to them for trying .......when it's 5-0 everyone wants to take the penalty ...Tiger who last scored in 1974 wanted to double his goals-for tally...Ninja who had scored twice thought about a hat-trick but out of respect didn't want to usurp the Sensei of penalty takers. Atilla did what he does best ...a look of the eyes, a swivel of the hips and a curling ball dispatched to the bottom corner of the net - 1 moment of shock when the goalie trying to get out of the way almost saved the ball by accident !

The last 2 goals were for the conoisseurs - a 5 man move, Kaiser flicked the ball into the box for Atilla to cut the heart out of the Saints defence before squaring to Tiger who lunged forward with his last breath to volley home in spectacular fashion [for everyone but Tiger .....he fell over and the ball rolled in the net]. As it was getting dark we begged St Pierre des Arbitres to blow the final whistle after the Kaiserscored. Now we hadn't banked on the Kaiser having several warm up attempts before finding the mark so we had some fun with the following.

Bus stopwho was causing all sorts of panic in the Saints defence produced the mother of all tackles on HIMSELF. I've never had to describe this kind of tackle before but can only try by saying it was a late, vicious and premeditated attempt to injure a player. He kicked himself from behind, kneed himself in the face and was lucky to escape a yellow card. Luckily for him that we had men behind him or it could have been a straight red ! Unfortunately bus stophad to leave the field after this - not surprising, we should ban this kind of tackle it has no place in today's game !

Then 'deaf' Cunningham caused mayhem in the [now] 2 man defence when he announced to the Vikingand twin towersthat his ears hadn't popped from the morning flight so he couldn't communicate except by sign language ...I think I noticed the Vikingsaying there were 2 minutes to go ? Twin towers had the last highlight when he was felled by a 3ft 6ins Saint and was so embarrased he sat down and refused to get up and get the ball until we all agreed it was a horrendous piece of thuggery that in Glasgow would have got a jail sentence [headbutting someone's thigh ?] .....oh and then the Kaiserscored. Most difficult chance he had all day but excellently put away. As most people had gone to bed now we decided to stop the game.

Vets 1 have now had to request a UN observer for MOM voting. The results on Saturday [and I jest not]: spoiled ballot - no name on paper - 2 votes; Robert Mugabe 3 votes; MacDonald; Wrigley & Lewis with 1 or 2 votes and the winner Sami Shiono [with a brace of goals and all round excellent link up play].

[IF] You know who you are, the vets who submitted the spoiled votes ...... think of this: some poor old codger picked up the paper, forgot to put a name on it, folded it and then put it back in the pile..... PLEASE seek medical help asap and do NOT drive your car until you have medical clearance to be out on your own !